2011 was a good year

I recently started a new job in Krasnodar and it’s taking most of my time (as well as some other exciting events), so I did not really have time to ponder upon 2011, but a few days ago I did have a few minutes to myself and well, I realized something. 2011 was pretty much tremendous for me. I don’t like labeling something as “best”, but still I will say it was a fantastic year.

I traveled around so much. I lived twice in Berlin, three months each time. I lived in Istanbul for 2 months. I visited or re-visited (in chronological order)  Milan, Cologne, Munich, Karlsruhe, Stockholm, Oslo, Paris, Barcelona, Porto, Izmir, Cesme, Selcuk, Ephesus, Turin, Nice, now I am writing this from Moscow where I arrived on the last day of the year… Throughout my trips, I met several people that I can call friends now. I learned new things about lifestyles in different places of the world. I became a vegetarian and generally more conscious of the world around me and how what I do affects others. 2011 was eye-opening in my ways. I am incredibly glad I took this year off a “real job” and devoted it greatly to myself. I can’t say I really changed or forgot my old ways of doing things, but I did expand my horizons and became more accepting of many things than I’d ever been. To be frank, I am sort of proud of myself when it comes to this. But all of this is thanks to the people I’ve met and the multicultural and liberal city that specifically Berlin is.

And now, after all these travels, after all these experiences and things that happened and things that I saw, I am surprised to state I am definitely not unhappy to be back in Krasnodar. Things took an unexpected turn here of all places and well, at the moment I am happy to report that life is good. I feel good. About myself, about many things. I will travel less, but I will still find time to do so and well, one of the things that I finally learned is that life is what you make of it and how you look at it. I do like to entertain myself with the thought that I have grown and become more mature at handling some things. I still have a short temper, but sometimes, on occasion, I am able to sit back and just enjoy the ride. It’s a great pleasure to stop oneself from overthinking and overanalyzing things, I more or less live in the moment and enjoy and take things as they come. It’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

I do believe it’s rather trite to say that one is unbelievably happy, but I do feel content and good at the moment. I’m a little bit afraid to jinx it, it’s almost too good to be true… but yeah, it’s a nice situation to be in.

2012 has great potential to be fantastic, too.

Microsoft Word is not my friend

Pfftt... I love it when you bang something out in Word and then want to save it and yet hit "no" instead of "yes" if Microsoft Office asks you about saving. I need a cigarette and a drink now. My life does not depend on it (although for a while it felt like it did!), but it was a blogpost where I described in details the events of the 4 weeks I've been in Berlin. Man. I wanted to scream, but I have three other people sitting all around me in the living room here.

Well, the short version is: all is well and even better. Meeting old and new friends and buddies, going out, hanging out, cycling, swimming, kissing, chilling, slacking off, working, receiving friends, going to art galleries and a supposedly exclusive fashion fair (although that does nothing for me) trying out nudist beaches, eating 1m long pizza and just having an overall good time.

This does not even begin to scratch the surface of the time I'm having, but... I am. Ha. Ha. <Insert funny one liner here.>

I'll be going vegan again tomorrow. Means I'll move from my temporary place in Kreuzberg to a less temporary place in Neukölln. Will have to part with eggs, milk and some other stuff for a while.

Thanks to fleetingness and Andreas for stopping by, again. :)

Mari, I must have overlooked your comment to the previous post while packing my stuff! I studied languages (although, admittedly, I squeezed out more from the Internet than school and university ever taught me re: English) and they are a personal interest of mine, but the overall knowledge of English in the country is far from being great. Although I understand now as US-based social networks are gaining more leverage in Russia, there's some progress in this department. Thank you for stopping by here, though! And here's to Berlin finally having a good hair weather day!

Idle time between my travels

Well, I have to say that June has been extremely uneventful. I planned to spend 4 weeks at home as last time I was here it was under 3 weeks and it felt they were rushed and I didn't have enough time. I suppose every time is different because now it felt like it's been  2 weeks too many.

I met almost everybody I planned to meet, but yet overall I had little to do. Somehow I found myself in between projects as well, so not only did I not truly entertain myself as most friends work desk jobs and don't have time during the day, but also I couldn't really do anything productive as half the time I had no work to do. That was the time when I was fully invested in my Internet addiction. Of course ironically I will have two simultaneous projects to work on once I arrive in Berlin, so I guess it will not be only fun at first. But I'm not complaining, work = $$$.

Nothing changed in Krasnodar, it's still a lot of umm..showing off and "glamour" Russian-style here. So I will not be sad when I leave. I was really lucky to re-connect with my friends though. I say re-connect because funnily enough my friends don't use Skype and we don't really exchange lots of emails when I'm away, some explain this as them being not prone to writing. (Sounds weird to me, too.) Also none of them really read this blog, which is frustrating, one valid reason is that some don't speak English and a less valid reason is that some don't have the time. Which makes it hard for me because people then want me to tell them stories of my travels in person and there's only so many times that I can repeat something.

I am delighted to be going back to Berlin. I'm happy to say that I have two friends that I can't wait to meet and who seem eager as well and there are some acquaintances that I will get in touch with as well as new exciting CS buddies. Yee ha! Maybe a good friend from Russia will visit as well, that will be exciting!

I can't wait to get a bike and explore Berlin on it. Here I biked to my dacha once (45km in total) only to find out we roughly had 25 cherries from 5 cherry trees. Me = devastated!

I haven't packed anything yet, but I packed and unpacked so much in the last 7 months that it takes little time and effort now. Mentally I'm definitely in Berlin already.

In the meantime, below are pictures from the one weekend trip I took in June. Namely, to the Russian side of the Black Sea. I could actually live there for a while. If they had Internet connection there.

This would be a lovely workplace 

Leaving Istanbul

Well, the ugly truth is that initially I thought I’d enjoy my time in Istanbul more. I loved it greatly when my friend and I first stopped by for 5 days in November ’10, but now I got a taste of life here. Mistake number 1 was not properly researching the area I was going to live in. I was lured in by the cheap rent (guilty as charged) and thought it didn’t matter how far it was from the European side and what the night connections looked like.

I lived in the Bulgurlu area of Uskudar, a conservative neighborhood on the Asian side. I mean there is nothing wrong with it per se, but it is an extremely suburban district where the only fun imaginable is grocery shopping and as a friend put in, you can also rent DVDs in Bulgurlu. That’s about it. I loved our local Thrursday market that was just outside the door and I loved the nearby Camlica Park, but other than that it was a pretty boring part of the city.

Also I had bad luck with the Istanbul Couchsurfing community. I got all those mass emails from the guys desperate to get laid with a foreigner, but when I tried to contact people and meet up and do something together, it didn’t really work out. I met a couple of people (out of about a dozen that I messaged), but it seemed they were a bit busy for new acquaintances, so it ended there. I was a bit surprised as this not  the CS that I know and love. And then of course it happened… In my last 2 weeks in Turkey I met some fantastic people, both local and not who made that time great by being around. We shared quite a few experiences together and of course it made me sad to leave.

Still, although I was raging about traffic and the dirty looks from men while I was there, it’s all part of Istanbul and now I miss even the things I wasn’t really fond of. But most of all I guess I miss the Bosphorus and the ferry rides. Those islands in the Marmara Sea. It feels so unusual now without the same amount of water nearby. And without any seagulls. Funny, I was also not happy about the food sold in supermarkets, but it appears I’d grown accustomed to it and now look for similar things in local supermarkets here in Russia.

But… there’s something that really, truly keeps my spirits up and it is my upcoming trip to Berlin. I set off on July 3 or 4 (depending on whether I will fly to Moscow or take the train) and wow, I am sure it will be the best summer in my life! 

What I don’t like about living in Istanbul, Turkey

I have previously written about the things that I enjoy in the humongous city that is Istanbul and now it is only fair that I highlight the negative parts.

• First of all, - and it comes first because it’s the most recent experience - no matter what they tell you, Istanbul is not as liberal as some people want it to be. Yes, Taksim is arguably the heart of modern Istanbul and everyone is pretty progressive there, so is Levent and Nisantasi and some other places, but make a step from this liberal comfort zone and you will find yourself in the debris of conservativeness. We’re talking about clothes, attitude and alcohol consumption among many other things here. It is not a pleasant thing if you’re accustomed to wearing shorts in the summer and having a beer at the neighborhood picnic. You will get stares that are bound to make you feel uncomfortable.

• Traffic. Wow. Well, I’ve said this before, but do trust me when I say it KILLS YOU here. It fucking kills you. The regular rush hours are 7am to 10am and 5pm to 8pm. But this is just a rough guideline. Sometimes (no, I mean most of the time) there are still traffic jams in early and late afternoon. Want to really avoid traffic? Take the midnight bus. It almost guarantees you a fast ride. Worst traffic day is Saturday. Apparently not many Istanbul people party their brains out on Friday night and then sleep in on Saturday. Nope, most wake up sharply around 8am or 9am and go out shopping, dining and doing other activities that involve creating major traffic jams. It is very frustrating, believe you me.

And the thing is, you can’t walk here. I mean, you can probably swing an hour long walk, but the distances are so vast here that it is your destiny to rot in some bus where some nasty Turkish dude tries to touch your hip.

Your one safety harbor is the ferry boat. They are always on time, efficient and traffic free. Too bad they only serve on water.

• Now, this may be controversial. Food. I know many people consider it amazing and it apparently is one of the 3 most important cuisines in the world (after… Italian and French?). So it should taste well. I thought so. But there’s only so many lentils and beans I can eat in my lifetime, you know? I do enjoy the occasional döner dürüm, tavuk dürüm, iskender kebab and some other dishes involving chicken (in that great self-service diner on Istiklal Caddesi), but on the whole, it’s not my type of food. Meat together with yogurt? It tastes weird at first, but then I guess it gets better and so does the combination of some meat-type fastfood (like döner) together with Ayran (the salty mix of yogurt and water), but I don't feel it is in my heart to eat this always.

Also, supermarkets here suck. Have you been to BIM or Dia or Migros or Sok or any other chain? Have you? Well, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to all of them. They all sell the same stuff in every town and city that I’ve been to. And the selection is quite limited, in my humble opinion. Particularly the sweets. I’m sorry, but the selection of candy here sucks (they do not have M’n’M’s here! Imagine that!) and chocolate is kind of expensive save for the cheap chocolate bars for 0.25-0.5 TL that are pretty basic. Really. My sweet tooth has been suffering a lot here. I also miss the variety of dairy that I've seen in other countries, here you get milk, ayran, and (plain yogurt). And a limited variety of cheese.

What every supermarket does offer is great bread though. And simit. But you already know I’m the queen of simits (sesame bagels).

That's it for starters...

Sev Sen, Istanbul (should translate as: I love you, Istanbul)*

Some more observations from the land that is in different sources listed as a country located in Europe, Middle East and Asia. Which, coincidentally, translates to the country’s self-identification. Meaning that the country is having a hard time in identifying itself.

On my first trip to Istanbul, I did not realize how liberal it was. In some ways even more liberal than several bona fide European cities that I’ve been to. E.g. headscarfs are actually banned in higher institutions nationwide. However, some neighborhoods do remain conservative and  apparently things like killing your daughter/sister for losing her virginity before marriage is not unseen even in the present day and time. Although it appears the attitude to sex in general is pretty relaxed and everyone decides for themselves what rules to follow.

So far I have met incredibly generous and hospitable people and at the same time, in the street somebody will push you hard whilst trying to squeeze in between you and the wall and will not care to apologize. I have also made friends with several local vendors and supermarket employees. Most don’t speak a word of English and I can’t force myself to say those few words that I can master in Turkish and yet we somehow understand each other and they’re being genuinely sweet to me. [I know the numbers though, helps if you can’t see your total on the display.] And yet I’m absolutely stressed out by the yelling and hassling of sellers in some touristic places or at rush hour when you leave the ferry. This is why I’ll probably never go to the Grand Bazaar again after my November experience.

It’s an old and sad expression, “city/land of contrast(s)”. I make a face every time I see it on somebody’s blog and yet I can’t find a better phrase to describe this place. It’s unique. And what makes it even more unique are all the neighborhoods that this humungous city is comprised of (e.g. Bebek, the rich neighborhood between the two bridges connecting Europe and Asia, home to the best fruit and chocolate waffle in the city, Ortaköy with its kumpir, pictured below, the fancy Bagdat street in Kadiköy and so on).

Some food-related observations from the last two weeks:

• Turks eat yogurt with meat. Also with a variety of vegetable dishes like deep-fried paprika. It’s not a desert and seems not to be a breakfast thing.
• Tea is more of a breakfast drink, coffee is more of an afternoon beverage.
• Olives are mainly preserved in olive oil and thus outside the fridge. 
• Chain supermarkets in residential neighborhoods have self-imposed lunch breaks sometimes. They just close the door for half an hour, pretend they're not there and sometimes leave a note on the door. 

Miscellaneous:

• I said it before, but… traffic in Istanbul is really, really bad. Better walk between 7-10am and 5-8pm. Also it's pretty bad throughout Saturday. They are currently building a tunnel under the Bosphorus (my brain just collapsed) and a new subway connecting the two sides will launch in 2013.
• On my first stay I had the illusion you could not only drive, but also walk on the Bosphorus bridge. Nuh-uh, missy. But they do close the bridge for traffic once a year for a marathon or a race and last time it happened, the bridge was swaying uncontrollably. But people kept on running.
• Each crossing of the bridge by car costs 3 Lira.
• Turkish MTV airs clips literally at least 20 hours a day. And many are watchable. In addition, I have become a fan of Sertab Erener and Atiye.
• Tarkan is still very much a celebrity here and a very prolific one, too.
• The world is small in Istanbul, just like in Berlin. At a recent couchsurfing event, I met an American I’d previously met in Berlin when I was living there and she first arrived. We met at another CS party. Umm… yeah.

In related news, my mother will visit me next weekend. She'll stay in a hotel in Sultanahmet and I, of course, will have to assume the role of a guide, listener and hand-holder. I'm already a damsel in distress about it as I have already received many a special request concerning the program. Which include but are not limited to: no long walks, preferably a guided bus tour, a lot of fish, fresh strawberry. And she needs to buy a new bed cover.

We'll see if I make it...

* - of course I had it wrong. :) I love you should read as -> seni seviyorum

Musings from Istanbul

A few observations from my first days in Istanbul:

• Despite the general notion, that all Turkish women are covered from head to toe, this myth is easily debunked if you turn the TV on. Half-naked female singers and presenters just like everywhere else I’ve been to. Frankly, maybe even more so than everywhere else. And no one seems to blink an eye. 
• The thumbs up sign that supposedly symbolizes sexual desire (according to the Internet)… does not symbolize it. It means great/ok, like everywhere else.
• Rush hour is impossible to tolerate. I was in a real traffic jam once so far and that was one time too much. A trip from the European to the Asian side during the evening rush hour will leave you with a couple of new grey hairs. 
• Passengers are to enter the bus at the front door only; entrance from the middle or back door is allowed when it’s impossible to enter at the front (stuffed bus), in which case they pass payment/transport cards to the driver all the way through the bus. This is new to me as even in Berlin the Turks loved getting on the bus from the back and thud avoiding payment. Also, I’ve never seen buses fit in so many people. Good thing I normally score a seat, otherwise I’d prefer to walk and then swim across the Bosphorus Strait.
• It’s uncommon to walk to get somewhere. Anything over a 20-minute walking distance will be a bus/minibus/taxi ride. I think people consider me a bit odd for taking so many walks.
• Turkish men only pester women in touristic areas (as if that was expected from them) and they will leave you alone right away if you should no emotions and don’t pay any attention to them. In all other areas, you’ll be getting looks from people now and then because you look a bit different, but generally no one will really approach you in the street.
• Love, love, LOVE simit.
• Some Turkish women are quite breathtaking. A lot of women in Istanbul are very westernized, blond hair, typical European and American dressing style. Some also appear to be quite emancipated and yet they do enjoy being “led” by men and seem to submit to them upon their own wish. 

Coming home

Coming home is a weird experience. I’m not a fan. On a regular day, I tend to think the grass is greener on the other side. Depending on the length of the trip, my coming home blues kick in a month to 2 days before I’m about to depart for the country that I have to call motherland.


Blues means something different every other time. Can be anything from quiet hysteria to moody swings and mild aggression.

Between Berlin and Istanbul I made a 20-day stop at home (Krasnodar, Russia)  and although initially I was not at all happy about having to come back, it turned out to be a nice stop. The main reason I decided to spend some time home, was the fact that my grandmother turned 90 on March 25. I think it was a good reason, I’m truly glad I was there on this day, it was important for both her and me.

I also met most of my friends, some I met every other day as we couldn’t get enough of each other and just had to make up for some of the time that we were apart.

I didn’t mention here previously that I had a surprise prepared for my immediate family. I’d told them I had return tickets for March 25 but came back a week earlier. I like doing things like that for the sheer excitement of this for every party.

I met a friend’s baby for the first time. The kid is only 4.5 months old. I was glad to find both the mother and the daughter in a good place and in a happy state of mind and yet I once again saw for myself that I probably am not the type to have babies. Maybe adoption one day if it feels right, but in general I do not feel am a motherly type although my relatives think I will come back to my senses and my maternal instinct will kick in. Time will tell, I suppose.

All in all, I had a good time with my friends and family, recuperated from all the travel experiences of the last three months… and now, Merhaba, Istanbul!

Day 69-77: Eternal memory or ..?

Eternal memory or who has advice on how to remember it all?

This blog will be a good reminder of what I was doing while living in Berlin and traveling, but how can I make my brain remember every single minute of this journey ? I’ve met some great people, I’ve done some cool stuff, experienced some awesome things, hung out in some mindblowing places, barhopped like crazy every once in a while and had a good time overall. And how can I guarantee that I remember every single interesting conversation that I had or every interesting thing that I saw? I sort of don’t want to let go of anything I’ve done so far.

Nan Goldin, whose exhibition I visited recently at the Berlinische Galerie says she was taking so many pictures of people and events because she was obsessed with remembering everything and not losing people (funnily enough, she also adds that these photos now remind her how

much she lost...). If I want to remember every precious moment of the good times in my life, I have to carry a notepad for writing things down, voice recorder for some pleasant conversations, camera for all the beautiful things, have a Google Calendar to track all the meet-ups and events (actually I do/have all that, except for the recorder), but if I devote so much time to tracking my experiences, there will be no actual experiences.

Berlin Special: Berlinale Update!

I saw Miranda July's The Future at FriedrichstadtPalast yesterday and it was quite good. Facebook and Internet addicts will find something in common with the two protagonists. The Palast itself is actually a theater with great interior and disgustingly uncomfortable seats, I was reminded of that one drama theater in my hometown...

Later Miranda July (You and Me and Everyone We Know) was present at the night talk with Knut Elstermann and had a few things to say about this feature film where she also played the female protagonist. Turns out she's a performance artist and has a nice looking website, so I'm going to be seeing what else she does when she's not busy making films.

Nadja Uhl was the independent critic for an hour last night, too. I know her from Die Stille nach dem Schuss and turns out she won a Silver Bear for her performance and at the moment is not unpopular with the German film-going crowds, which means it was pretty full in the cafe on Potsdamer Platz, but only until she left. And the "fans" missed interviews with directors of The Forgiveness of Blood (the lovely-geeky globe-trotter Joshua Martson, known for Maria Full of Grace), A Separation, Our Grand Despair; Bombay Beach; Romeos.

It was amazing in the sense that it breaks the walls between Celebrity and the simple folk. Most of directors were sitting in the common area conversing with their friends and colleagues, the atmosphere was relaxed, also no fanatical behavior from anyone. Good times.

The one odd thing that happened was that... beer turned out to be expensive. Expensive for Berlin, anyway. I ordered a bottle for 3.5EUR having come from somewhere where I had it for 0.99EUR. But... I'll live with that.

Further information on the Berlin Film Festival:

Berlin Special: Berlinale!

Berlin Special: Berlinale Update!

Berlin Special: Berlinale Update 2!

Berlin Special: Berlinale, the winners!

Berlin Special: Berlinale Palast!

Berlin Special: Berlinale!

It’s hardly a secret to anyone who knows me even a little bit that I am a film buff. I do love movies, screenplays, cinematography, good dialogue, the film-watching experience, the way I anticipate a release I think might be good, reading Roger Ebert’s reviews, the credits rolling. I can go on about movies forever and have a thing for actors and actresses (although that might change soon due to my red carpet experience described below - shock, horror!).

As my plan about coming to Berlin was set in stone, I immediately realized I’ll be around for Berlinale as well and the thought of that made me all warm and fuzzy inside. Now that it is ongoing, I realize it’s different than I expected, in both good and not so good ways. However, it still is a pleasure to witness all of it.

It all started with the Red Carpet. I’d only been once to a festival opening before and that was in Sochi, Russia. I traveled there specifically to see Catherine Deneuve. I saw her. And sat in a row right behind her. Trust me, it was worth the two sleepless nights, the fight with my mother and the 35C-heat dehydration. The red carpet itself was alright if you are interested in Russian celebrities (cross me out). Now, you would think Berlinale would by far surpass Faces of Love (that’s the corny name of the film festival in Sochi), however I can’t say I was delighted. Far from it, in fact.

Berlin Film Festival opened in the evening of February 10 this year. Earlier the same day I was reading an interview with the project manager who is in charge of the Red Carpet at Berlinale, apparently he has been doing this job for 20 years and he’s never had any faux pas or bad experiences in his position. Maybe it was his first time, I don’t know, but I was mightily disappointed with the organization: my biggest complaint was the long pauses between arriving celebrities (and “celebrities”), sometimes breaks reached almost 10 minutes. And if you think that the Red Carpet ceremony normally spans 60-90 minutes, it’s already too much. It was a bit boring, too. There’s nothing interesting in watching people in evening dresses strike poses for 15 minutes to a crowd of photographers, really. I wouldn’t have thought it, but now that I saw it and it just happens so that it made me want to yawn.

Coming back to real life

I feel so content at the moment.

I worked for 13 months at this job and for 13 months I spent 4-5 hours every day getting to and from work. Can you imagine that? 20 hours a week, 80 hours a month and so on. Imagine how much time was lost. Of course at first I tried reading books and I did read quite a few on the train, I also made an attempt to refresh my French, but I guess that's not what my brain wanted at 06.30am. Eventually I gave up trying to do something productive with this time and tried to sleep (on my morning ride) and it proved to be almost impossible, I have a thing about falling asleep in any kind of transport, maybe because once when I fell asleep in the car as a passenger we got into a car crash.

Getting back to the subject and without further ado I must say that due to all this time on the road I sort of fell out of life for some people.

In these four days that I've been off work I've finally started to feel like I am alive again. I went to a family lunch at my grandmother's. And yup, I don't even like family events, but I like to know that I choose to go or not to go depending on whether it feels right at the moment, not because I'm so bloody tired that I don't want to see or talk to anyone. That makes a huge difference.

In these four days I was also reminded that I have friends and buddies and former colleagues that I can trust, have a meaningful conversation with, who I can support or be supported by. I almost forgot what it's like, simple interaction that feeds the mind, in this year+ that I've been commuting. I had time to talk to my college classmate for an hour on the phone and not feel pressured by time, sometimes when she called me previously I didn't even pick up the phone - it's not because of her, it's because I was so drained I felt like if I started talking to her, I would be even more exhausted.

I was heavily supported by a couple of friends during my last two weeks at work and during the time when I realized I had feelings for a co-worker, now a former co-worker. They've been there for me and it has meant a lot to me.

Today I had lunch with a couple of people I like, one of them who quit a similar job in the company, only she quit half a year ago. She and I then had some alone time and it was a pleasure to talk to her and see where she is in her life right now and tell her where I am. Also by accident we met this crush of mine, the former co-worker... That was quite a coincidence. Later in the day I went out with a friend and accidentally met a former colleague from the job I had before the last one. I wonder how accidental or coincidental that actually was... What I know is it gave me an incredible awareness of things around me.

Tuesday night I'm leaving for Istanbul. Before that on Monday and Tuesday I'll probably see a couple of people I enjoyed interacting with before I fell out of life. And I know I'll enjoy it anew.

I really feel the decision to quit was a great one. I'm coming back to life.

How I quit my job - Part 1

I am of the opinion that your job should not define who you are. Just like age. Or sexuality.

Moreover, I've come to realize that being unhappy at one's job tends to influence one's life as a whole and if it truly is so and has been for a while, it's time to move on to other things.

My discontent at work started in early August, I'd just come back from vacation and the thought of coming back was unbearable. Sure, most people get that feeling, however it was a feeling that did not evaporate in a week or two, but stayed with me till the very end influencing how I function completely.

First of all, it needs to be said I commute at least 4 hours a day. Actually, if I calculate right, more like 5. I have (correction: had) a 8.30-5.00 job, I was leaving the house at 6.05am and coming back at 7.30pm or later (7.00pm if I was very lucky). I took the train in the morning to a small town where the company that I worked for is located, then took a half-hour walk to the factory or a slightly shorter bus trip always preceeded by waiting for 10 minutes in the wind. In the evening, I went back with somebody who had a car to the outskirts of my city only to use public transportation once again and be strayed in traffic for another hour to finally get home.

In other words, it was a fairytale.

The job itself was not fulfilling. My boss, GM of the company, was afraid to confront a member of the management team and this person ended up ruling the company, that made a lot of people miserable. Also, he was supposed to be my only boss, but I ended by being bossed around by a lot of people and my manager did nothing about it, they all could freely load me with assignments and when I pointed at that, he'd pretend to be willing to do something about it and he did not in the end. Honestly, I don't feel like reciting all reasons for leaving because it would just send me back to being frustrated, so I'm just going to say that the job made me miserable and that's not something I want to remember 30 years from now - boy, I was so overworked in my 20's, I put int so much overtime, I got calls from my boss at midnight, at 6.30am, I was really unhappy and did nothing about it. Nope, thank you.

And I do realize that most people in this sad world are unhappy with their jobs. I don't think it'll be an exaggeration if I say it's about 80-90%. Most people don't do their jobs for fun or for the selfish act of trying to be happy, most of them try to make a living. But I am positive that I can't be miserable for long and I know I can do better than being stressed all the time.

So between the beginning of August and the end of October there were maybe 3 or 4 days when I did not feeling like resigning. And those were not really job-related reasons, if I remember correctly I interacted with colleagues a lot on those days, so that means the boss was away on business trips.

There were several last straws the came with a series of VIP visits that I had to put together although I'm not the even the travel coordinator or event manager in the company. The visits were back to back, we had over 40 visitors altogether, all set up for different dates, meetings, agendas, etc. I had to juggle all of that while my boss kept only complicating the matters by re-inventing the wheel and micromanaging.

I'd written a template for my two weeks notice a while back, all I had to do was to put the date in it. And on October 21 I did just that.

Human interaction

People. If you think about it, there are so many odd things about human relationships. Two spring to my head at the moment.

First of all, it's how different people have different opinions about the same person. For example, you think somebody is just fantastic, caring and fun to be around and then you find out somebody else (and I mean somebody whose judgement you would by all means trust) thinks the same person is mean, not pleasant to deal with and not somebody they would turn to. Or you think somebody is not responsible, passive agressive and your friend thinks they are sweet and comfortable to be around...

Does this mean we're all the same? We're all the same and it's just that we all encounter one another under different circumstances that end up shaping our opinions of each other? After all, yes, we all want to be happy and content and there's good and bad in everybody, so is it just that oppotunities decide on who we'll be friends/amicable with or who we will try to avoid?

Secondly, it's how there are people you like, love or respect, are attracted to and then something happens and you don't or aren't anymore. This has happened with my love interests in the past. I really loved somebody in the past, it was completely unrequited and sad for me and then after I'd gotten over it (took me a long time), I was able to realize that I can't even respect this person right now. She's not really somebody I would look up to or even want to be friends with... Ok, I was very young when I was madly and deeply in love with her, but this still makes me question my judgement. Or is it just how the human brain functions? We idolize somebody we love overlooking their bad parts and then when love is gone, it seems there's just the negative that's left? Are we really so blind?

Another example from only several months ago. I found myself being attracted to somebody, very much. The feeling/emotion was mutual. We had sex a couple of times and it wasn't great. Maybe I should've waited a little bit, but I guess I felt it wasn't worth it. I was the "top" in the sex that we had and while I made it clear, I was very, very eager to be on the receiving end as well, that didn't happen. Also, there were several aspects about the whole thing that turned me off. So basically, it was like a switch, I went from being 'on' to being 'off' in a matter of hours, maybe even within one hour - after feeling strong attraction for that person for several weeks.

I think it's all very weird and, ok, she wasn't reciprocating and ok, some things weren't perfect (although I imagine other people would be turned off as well), but why did I feel instant repulsion? I would've thought it'd be more or less gradual, but nope, it wasn't. So the question is, why does it take us (or is it just me?) so relatively little to go from from one thing to its complete opposite? What is the brain-functioning behind this?

How unfortunate...

I had a very unpleasant day at work today. My boss came back from his two-week business trip and one of the first things he told me was how great my colleague in an identical position at our affiliate was. He added that it's not that I perform badly, but that this colleague who is twice as old as I am, she provided just another level of service. That wasn't exactly the worst thing a boss has ever said to his direct report, but it was like a blow into my face.

I strive for perfection. I am quite organized, at least in terms of work - I prefer everything to be done well in advance, I am fast at what I do and efficient. Deadlines, I like to have my stuff ready well ahead, while for instance always comes up with solution/information on the very last day. I'm sorry to have to praise myself, but it's something that has been attributed to me by other people as well. I do value the work that I do. So when he came in and said that somebody else was just damn fantastic, it really hurt me. Maybe I shouldn't take it so close to heart, yes. But I guess I'll go as far as saying that I know that nobody else in our company could do my job better than I can, I'm pretty responsible and most other people just lack that.

That being said, according to my own opinion and now I have confirmation from two other people, I've sort of failed to established authority in my position. Typically my position is viewed as one with power and if used right, I could influence my boss and suit my own interests. I don't think that that's what I want though, I don't want to manipulate somebody and make other people look bad just because I want it. I prefer honesty and I don't like playing games. Unfortunately, in many work environments that's not possible and playing game is a sure-fire way to survive and go up the career ladder. I was told I'm naive in that sense. I think it'd be fair to say that it's even stupid. But I truly want to be appreciated based solely on my performance and some under-carpet movements.

Most my colleagues will go around naming every little thing that they've done while I just do it silently most of the time. My boss doesn't know how many translations I actually do and how fast I am. It's my fault. I should notify him every time I do something, but I would feel really stupid if I did. But in reality, it's even more stupid that I can overcome myself and do that.

I don't think I'm a doormat, but I do a lot of work for other people. Mostly translations that are not related to me at all, a lot of follow-up work that isn't my responsibility (although I admit that this is arguable, follow-up is fine as long as it's a business necessity and unless I don't have to do other people's work), some assignments that are not related to the field in which I work. But if I was really firm and strict like my predecessor was, I'd be able to brush people off and get some respect from them. But like I said, I haven't managed to do that, it seems. I feel almost as bad about it as my boss's comment earlier today.

I've been with this company for a year and have attained a certain image of a reliable worker but somebody who can be pushed around, I believe, now I reckon I'm goign to have to make people re-consider their opinion of me. I'm not really a yes-person, and yet time and time again I find myself "helping" other people istead of doing something that is my direct responsibility and should come first even though it might be less important on the large scale.

Also, as I've been obsessing a little bit about Guiding Light and its story I'm yet again reminded that I have had almost no luck with women except for one fling with a young girl. All of this, plus terrible weather are not helping me to feel good about myself. I feel a bit like a waste and more simply put, like a used condom of sorts... I know, not a pretty picture and yet it's not that far from the real one. I now have to consider whether I want to stay with this company and commute 4+ hours a day, getting up at 5.40am every morning... or whether I should take a 2.5-month break and have a rest before having a trip to Europe around Christmas and then starting to look for another job.

On the one hand, it sounds perfect, but on the other hand, I'm scared I'm going to run out of money and I won't be able to find a good job. I think yet again I'm at a crossroads in my life.