CS Sehnsucht

Wow.

Just wanted to look up a number from an old cell phone and whoa, started reading text messages from over a year ago. So many memories.

Rinse, my favorite Stockholm CS host (produced in the Netherlands) and the quickest and fastest connection I've made with literally anyone. Oh, the fun that was had. Oh, the conversations that we shared. Those Nutella sandwiches...

Meeting Agata and having our weeks and fun of hanging out, going for walks, to parties, taking pictures, Berlinale, brunches and other variations of good time. Sojamilchkaffee. :) Kasza gryczana. :)

Christine, a fan of Russian language and literature who quit her job at Mercedes to study again and to spend a year in Irkutsk.

Ping Pong Battle in the snow with Yolanda. Vokue and Kollektivabendbrot with Mandy.

Rockstar CS host from Porto Renate!

Bernardo... So much in this word. :) Schwuz, Facebook, hang outs, meeting his mother... :) A great friend. I harbor hope to be best man at his wedding with Rainer.

CS host Emmannuel from Paris who gave me the keys to his apartment and left after talking to me for only 30 minutes. He later left me a fantastic reference where he said I left his apartment times cleaner than he left it to me - now some with some friends I go by "the girl who washes dishes after herself."

His friend Rafael who showed me around Paris and had a very thick French accent. An artist who lives 1 block away from Arc de Triomphe (in a "maid's room Parisienne") and survives on coffee and cigarettes. Charming.

Björn...

The gang in Istanbul and Laurence. Lu. :)

And of course Helene. Our conversations and hanging out in Istanbul and then in Berlin and hopefully somewhere else in the future. Best bicycle rider and someone I always have something to talk about with.


Man, so many people, so many stories. The unwavering smile on my face right now.

Does it sound like I need to take off and hit CS again?

More navel-gazing

Moscow in January. Istanbul in January. Rome and Athens in March. Istanbul in March. Sochi in May. All my trips this year so far. Hopefully Berlin in June, unless Pegasus refuses to fly into one of the two currently functioning airports.

Taking into account all events of the present year, I have to look back onto our New Year's Eve and where I was as the clock struck midnight, in a crowd of people most of whom were drunk and pushy, 200 meters off the Red Square. It was a dangerous location to find ourselves at the time, we can smile about it today, but 5 months ago it seemed like we wouldn't emerge as alive as we entered the crowd. 

Anyhow. The year's been turmulous. At times terrific, at times not at all. Funny how who you travel with and how things between the two of you are directly impacts your impression of the destination. The same way I seem to be done with Prague, at least for the foreseeable future, the same way I am done with Athens. I suppose it is a beautiful city (a cross between Rome and Istanbul, no less), but I wouldn't want to re-visit any time soon. Istanbul, on the other hand, seems to always be worth a visit. Rome wasn't bad either, first time I was there the food wasn't memorable, but this time it struck a chord with me.

I'm really curious about Berlin now. Will it forever be the place I like to return to or just a temporary "favorite place on Earth"? With its tree-lined Puschkinallee, hip and cozy cafes, punks, liberal atmosphere, brunches, lakes, bike lanes, expats, locals, U and S Bahn, Treptower Park, Rixdorf, nightlife, galleries, collective dinners... Well, it is the home of my soul for now and so be it. Will embrace this for now and enjoy the moment.

Oddity

It's an odd feeling. Odd, when unintentionally you say something unpleasant/wrong and then you fully accept that you are wrong, without denying anything, because yes, indeed you slipped and although your words were meant  to convey something else (also not extremely polite), you ended up expressing yourself in a bad way and  not all relaying what you thought you were relaying. Your words were stupid and bound to be misconstrued.

You fully admit you are wrong. And that you didn't think before speaking. No excuses, instead you say you are sorry. One time. Two times. Three times. And furthermore, you really mean it. From the inside. Sorry isn't a word you simply spit into thin air.

Your apology is not accepted. You revisit the story several hours later. You are truly and irreversibly sorry - you made someone else look bad, so admitting you were wrong and apologizing is the only way.

But again it's not enough. Somehow saying and feeling sorry isn't ever enough. When the other party does something of similar nature, just a few words and a smile from them is enough for you to melt. But no, when you're in the wrong, you are somehow expected to really sort of beg for forgiveness and spurt your soul out, then it's deemed a passable apology.

Just feels odd. When someone pushes you so hard to feel even more sorry than you already do, it just leaves a weird aftertaste. Like you just can't be you, you always have to prove something, to justify yourself, to feel guilty, to be deemed worthy. Odd.