Sunday, November 7, 2010

Coming back to real life

I feel so content at the moment.

I worked for 13 months at this job and for 13 months I spent 4-5 hours every day getting to and from work. Can you imagine that? 20 hours a week, 80 hours a month and so on. Imagine how much time was lost. Of course at first I tried reading books and I did read quite a few on the train, I also made an attempt to refresh my French, but I guess that's not what my brain wanted at 06.30am. Eventually I gave up trying to do something productive with this time and tried to sleep (on my morning ride) and it proved to be almost impossible, I have a thing about falling asleep in any kind of transport, maybe because once when I fell asleep in the car as a passenger we got into a car crash.

Getting back to the subject and without further ado I must say that due to all this time on the road I sort of fell out of life for some people.

In these four days that I've been off work I've finally started to feel like I am alive again. I went to a family lunch at my grandmother's. And yup, I don't even like family events, but I like to know that I choose to go or not to go depending on whether it feels right at the moment, not because I'm so bloody tired that I don't want to see or talk to anyone. That makes a huge difference.

In these four days I was also reminded that I have friends and buddies and former colleagues that I can trust, have a meaningful conversation with, who I can support or be supported by. I almost forgot what it's like, simple interaction that feeds the mind, in this year+ that I've been commuting. I had time to talk to my college classmate for an hour on the phone and not feel pressured by time, sometimes when she called me previously I didn't even pick up the phone - it's not because of her, it's because I was so drained I felt like if I started talking to her, I would be even more exhausted.

I was heavily supported by a couple of friends during my last two weeks at work and during the time when I realized I had feelings for a co-worker, now a former co-worker. They've been there for me and it has meant a lot to me.

Today I had lunch with a couple of people I like, one of them who quit a similar job in the company, only she quit half a year ago. She and I then had some alone time and it was a pleasure to talk to her and see where she is in her life right now and tell her where I am. Also by accident we met this crush of mine, the former co-worker... That was quite a coincidence. Later in the day I went out with a friend and accidentally met a former colleague from the job I had before the last one. I wonder how accidental or coincidental that actually was... What I know is it gave me an incredible awareness of things around me.

Tuesday night I'm leaving for Istanbul. Before that on Monday and Tuesday I'll probably see a couple of people I enjoyed interacting with before I fell out of life. And I know I'll enjoy it anew.

I really feel the decision to quit was a great one. I'm coming back to life.


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