Just basically am at a crossroads in my work life at the moment. Ideally I'd love to quit my job, go to Istanbul, Turkey in November and then to Italy, Switzerland and Germany for Christmas and New Year. And then to start looking for a job in the middle of January.
However, of course I'm afraid I will quit my job, spend money on travel and then will not be able to find a job in January... So the question is, will I be strong enough to leave?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
How unfortunate...
I had a very unpleasant day at work today. My boss came back from his two-week business trip and one of the first things he told me was how great my colleague in an identical position at our affiliate was. He added that it's not that I perform badly, but that this colleague who is twice as old as I am, she provided just another level of service. That wasn't exactly the worst thing a boss has ever said to his direct report, but it was like a blow into my face.
I strive for perfection. I am quite organized, at least in terms of work - I prefer everything to be done well in advance, I am fast at what I do and efficient. Deadlines, I like to have my stuff ready well ahead, while for instance always comes up with solution/information on the very last day. I'm sorry to have to praise myself, but it's something that has been attributed to me by other people as well. I do value the work that I do. So when he came in and said that somebody else was just damn fantastic, it really hurt me. Maybe I shouldn't take it so close to heart, yes. But I guess I'll go as far as saying that I know that nobody else in our company could do my job better than I can, I'm pretty responsible and most other people just lack that.
That being said, according to my own opinion and now I have confirmation from two other people, I've sort of failed to established authority in my position. Typically my position is viewed as one with power and if used right, I could influence my boss and suit my own interests. I don't think that that's what I want though, I don't want to manipulate somebody and make other people look bad just because I want it. I prefer honesty and I don't like playing games. Unfortunately, in many work environments that's not possible and playing game is a sure-fire way to survive and go up the career ladder. I was told I'm naive in that sense. I think it'd be fair to say that it's even stupid. But I truly want to be appreciated based solely on my performance and some under-carpet movements.
Most my colleagues will go around naming every little thing that they've done while I just do it silently most of the time. My boss doesn't know how many translations I actually do and how fast I am. It's my fault. I should notify him every time I do something, but I would feel really stupid if I did. But in reality, it's even more stupid that I can overcome myself and do that.
I don't think I'm a doormat, but I do a lot of work for other people. Mostly translations that are not related to me at all, a lot of follow-up work that isn't my responsibility (although I admit that this is arguable, follow-up is fine as long as it's a business necessity and unless I don't have to do other people's work), some assignments that are not related to the field in which I work. But if I was really firm and strict like my predecessor was, I'd be able to brush people off and get some respect from them. But like I said, I haven't managed to do that, it seems. I feel almost as bad about it as my boss's comment earlier today.
I've been with this company for a year and have attained a certain image of a reliable worker but somebody who can be pushed around, I believe, now I reckon I'm goign to have to make people re-consider their opinion of me. I'm not really a yes-person, and yet time and time again I find myself "helping" other people istead of doing something that is my direct responsibility and should come first even though it might be less important on the large scale.
Also, as I've been obsessing a little bit about Guiding Light and its story I'm yet again reminded that I have had almost no luck with women except for one fling with a young girl. All of this, plus terrible weather are not helping me to feel good about myself. I feel a bit like a waste and more simply put, like a used condom of sorts... I know, not a pretty picture and yet it's not that far from the real one. I now have to consider whether I want to stay with this company and commute 4+ hours a day, getting up at 5.40am every morning... or whether I should take a 2.5-month break and have a rest before having a trip to Europe around Christmas and then starting to look for another job.
On the one hand, it sounds perfect, but on the other hand, I'm scared I'm going to run out of money and I won't be able to find a good job. I think yet again I'm at a crossroads in my life.
I strive for perfection. I am quite organized, at least in terms of work - I prefer everything to be done well in advance, I am fast at what I do and efficient. Deadlines, I like to have my stuff ready well ahead, while for instance always comes up with solution/information on the very last day. I'm sorry to have to praise myself, but it's something that has been attributed to me by other people as well. I do value the work that I do. So when he came in and said that somebody else was just damn fantastic, it really hurt me. Maybe I shouldn't take it so close to heart, yes. But I guess I'll go as far as saying that I know that nobody else in our company could do my job better than I can, I'm pretty responsible and most other people just lack that.
That being said, according to my own opinion and now I have confirmation from two other people, I've sort of failed to established authority in my position. Typically my position is viewed as one with power and if used right, I could influence my boss and suit my own interests. I don't think that that's what I want though, I don't want to manipulate somebody and make other people look bad just because I want it. I prefer honesty and I don't like playing games. Unfortunately, in many work environments that's not possible and playing game is a sure-fire way to survive and go up the career ladder. I was told I'm naive in that sense. I think it'd be fair to say that it's even stupid. But I truly want to be appreciated based solely on my performance and some under-carpet movements.
Most my colleagues will go around naming every little thing that they've done while I just do it silently most of the time. My boss doesn't know how many translations I actually do and how fast I am. It's my fault. I should notify him every time I do something, but I would feel really stupid if I did. But in reality, it's even more stupid that I can overcome myself and do that.
I don't think I'm a doormat, but I do a lot of work for other people. Mostly translations that are not related to me at all, a lot of follow-up work that isn't my responsibility (although I admit that this is arguable, follow-up is fine as long as it's a business necessity and unless I don't have to do other people's work), some assignments that are not related to the field in which I work. But if I was really firm and strict like my predecessor was, I'd be able to brush people off and get some respect from them. But like I said, I haven't managed to do that, it seems. I feel almost as bad about it as my boss's comment earlier today.
I've been with this company for a year and have attained a certain image of a reliable worker but somebody who can be pushed around, I believe, now I reckon I'm goign to have to make people re-consider their opinion of me. I'm not really a yes-person, and yet time and time again I find myself "helping" other people istead of doing something that is my direct responsibility and should come first even though it might be less important on the large scale.
Also, as I've been obsessing a little bit about Guiding Light and its story I'm yet again reminded that I have had almost no luck with women except for one fling with a young girl. All of this, plus terrible weather are not helping me to feel good about myself. I feel a bit like a waste and more simply put, like a used condom of sorts... I know, not a pretty picture and yet it's not that far from the real one. I now have to consider whether I want to stay with this company and commute 4+ hours a day, getting up at 5.40am every morning... or whether I should take a 2.5-month break and have a rest before having a trip to Europe around Christmas and then starting to look for another job.
On the one hand, it sounds perfect, but on the other hand, I'm scared I'm going to run out of money and I won't be able to find a good job. I think yet again I'm at a crossroads in my life.
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